The Best Gift You Can Give Yourself
I used to be a card-carrying member of the “Be Hard on Yourself” Club. Ever heard of it?
I would make a mistake, see some perceived flaw in myself, or not live up to my old (impossibly high) perfectionistic standards and then beat myself up endlessly for it. The way I talked to myself? I would be HORRIFIED to ever speak to another human being this way.
One day, many years ago, I woke up and said “Enough.” I knew, deep down, that I was a good person and that it was time to start treating myself with the same love and respect I so easily extend to others.
So, I started putting effort into befriending and loving myself. I devoured books on self-compassion (and eventually became a trained Mindful Self Compassion teacher – yes, we teach what we most need to learn!). I began to practice loving kindness meditation. I wanted to do whatever I could to begin meeting myself in a gentler, kinder way.
I stumbled along the way – many times – and it definitely didn’t feel natural or easy at first. But you know what? It was so damn worth it.
Taking the time to work on loving myself was a gift and worth every second. Today I can honestly look in the mirror and say that I love the woman I see.
I love the mistakes she’s made, her subtle wrinkles and gray hairs, and the lumps in her neck that are a reminder of the healing journey she’s on and the importance of rest and taking care of herself.
I love the hard fought-for wisdom she’s gained over the last five decades she’s been on this planet and the way she sees the good in herself, as well as others, now.
I love who I am and who I’m in the process of becoming… more and more authentically “me.” Not who I think I “should” be or who others want me to be, but evolving and growing into the best version of myself.
Learning to love yourself is not just the greatest gift you can give yourself, but it also ripples out into the world around you and seeps into all of your relationships.
As I’ve traveled this journey of greater self-love, and guided so many others on it as well, I can say with confidence that strengthening the relationship you have with yourself will deepen the connections you have with others, too.
As Brené Brown says:
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.”
If it seems like an insurmountable task to love yourself, start small. Be willing to consider that loving yourself is a possibility.
Here are a few ways you could start:
Notice when your self-talk takes on a mean or harsh, self-critical tone. Ask yourself: “Would I talk to my child or a good friend this way?” How wouldyou talk to them in this situation? Try to begin talking to yourself in that same kind, loving way.
Create time and space in your schedule for things that nourish you. For me, this includes: time with girlfriends, a massage once a month, hikes with my husband and our pups, at least two solo walks/hikes each week, and regular “art dates” where I take over our dining room table with all my art supplies and create collages and my own cards.
When you notice that you’re being harsh or critical of yourself, take a moment to pause, put your hands on your heart and say something like “Ouch, this is painful.” Or “Wow, this really hurts.” Really let yourself feel the pain of it and remember that you are not alone. With seven billion people on the planet, someone else is likely experiencing the same exact feeling right now. And then, repeat one or more of these phrases to yourself: “May I be kind to myself.” “May I accept myself just as I am.” “May I love myself just as I am.”
That last phrase is my wish for you as well. May you indeed learn to love yourself just as you are…. in all your imperfect humanness.
It will take time. You will stumble and fall along the way. But what a precious gift to give yourself. And you are SO worth it!